of love, life and living it up

there are always those you can count on to be there for you no matter what the situation. as i have gotten older i have realised that one is never truly alone. at least not me. in my younger, more self- absorbed days i would sit and think how no one understood me and no one was there for me when my biggest supporters were with me all along. it was an important time when i realised that sometimes to get help or to be understood, you have to ask for it.

i dont take anything for granted nowadays. i try not to anyhow. i have discovered that for almost every quagmire i have found myself in, there is someone i can rely on. there is my mother, who always says that a "defeatist attitude only helps you in getting nothing and nowhere." hearing that may sometime not be appropriate but it makes me more reluctant to give up. then there is my sister, who you can trust to help you see a situation from all angles (but she can be very opinionated, so most people just stop her before she rail roads you to doing what she thinks is right). then the men in my family, who are more alike than they would ever realise in many ways despite the fact that they dont get along. my brother is the kind of person who you gives you a gentle shove in the right direction and even then, you can always look back to for assurance. my dad has the knack of telling you always that everything will be okay, no matter how bad things seem to be. he has yet to be faced with a situation that he doesnt have a bible verse for and sometimes he can be like your own ( loudest) cheerleader, even when its clear that you just might lose the game.

yeah, family is great. it doesnt matter how much turbulence we face, i know that i have those four to count on no matter what. but we also cant forget about friends. i have been pulled out of the worst places i have been in my life my well meaning buddies and i appreciate them for that. there are those who will let you talk and whine for ages no matter how many times you repeat yourself just because they know that all you need is someone to listen. others may take you out for a night of wild dancing at the club (with help from some red bull) so you can let off some steam. a few might take you out and get you dead drunk and when you wake up in the morning feeling like crap whatever was bothering you the night before doesnt seem so important anymore. those who just hold you and let you cry, those who spend a day doing random things with you and just relaxing ... i could go on and on. everyone has the person they go to for comfort and a bit of TLC, its just a matter of finding the one for the right situation.

dont get me wrong, i dont spend all my time looking for someone to solve whatever inpending crisis i have and i dont use my friends specifically for that purpose. but with the more established friendships i have its easy to open up, and i would do the same for them. every realtionship you have is a give, take and share and the willingness to open up to someone to show them weaknesses and vunerability is what has cemented most of mine. i am willing to do the same for them and thats what makes it work cos it adds to all the experiences and history thats already there.

what i do love (and really really miss) is the closeness you have when you are in a relationship with someone. the connection you have with the other individual can be so deep that it defies definition or explaination. all you know is that for whatever emotion you are feeling and going through, you want to share it with them. the kind of person who knows why you are excited without you having to explain it to them and who knows where it hurts when things go wrong. with my Teddy Bear, i felt like he really understood me, and even if he didnt, he at least got me. the reason i know it is this - before i left, we both decided to write letters to each other that we would read when i was gone. i dont even remember the reason why, but we just did it. as soon as i got on the plane, i read it, and the result was that i alternated between sleep and tears all the was from nairobi to amsterdam much to the dismay of the person who sat next to me. its one of the truly inspirational and emotional pick me uppers i can actually say was addressed to me. in those mine pages of chicken scratch, i find reasons to believe in myself, how to know i am beautiful and sexy, how to be strong, not to take myself too seroiusly and so much more. despite the fact that i still cant read it without crying, i have yet to do so without feeling better.

my nine pages of inspiration is what works for me when i feel homesick or when im missing the love of my life. its a constant reminder that no matter what everyone else says and what it make look like, why this man is my truth and my inspiration, my soulmate and best friend, my lover and my support and both my strength and my weakness. i know, i know. this may not be the only way i can find support. but today, its what worked for me.

p.s,
happy birthday mr. teddy bear, hope you have a good one.